TW Suicide attempt, depression
On Wednesday, February the 7th, 2024, I tried and failed to die. Again. Despite having a stable job, a stable marriage and a healthy, beautiful child. I’m not 100% sure why I couldn’t take it anymore. But my brain is a tangled mess. Chaotic, doubtful and particularly talented at reminding me why I’m horrible. Why I hate myself so much. I have in the past few years come to the realization that I am autistic. And I’ve been grieving the fact that I simply cannot interact with the world in a comfortable way. How can one even begin to unweave decades of damage? Of realizing that I feel that I must pretend to be someone else to be accepted and that because I lack the ability to understand my emotions, I can’t let people understand my needs. I myself don’t know them. So on Wednesday, 4 days ago. I gave up. My nerves were burning and all I felt was anxiety and I had no idea how to fix it. I would rather not go into detail, but it was not enough. I made myself sick and dizzy and weak and delirious. But the next morning I woke up in tears. Disappointed. From that Thursday to Saturday I laid crying. I was too weak to get up more than 5 minutes at a time and I couldn’t eat or drink without feeling sick. To be honest, today is Sunday and still I grieve. My daughter plays gleefully and I can’t get my head out of my ass. I don’t know how to move forward. Take more breaks? Hope I find a therapist that I can unmask with? Lean on the friends who seem to get it? I’m not sure anymore. I just know that nothing excites me and nothing matters and I never feel that the professionals respond to my pleas for help. I joke that I am flattered that they think that I have my shit together, but in the end I don’t have the resources I need. So I write. Hoping that my story resonates with someone and that one sad heart after the next can unite and somehow become stronger. I know I’m naive for even thinking that but at the moment any other ideas elude me. Even though in some ways I wish I succeeded on Wednesday, February 7, 2024, I didn’t. So I have to grit my teeth and hope the sun rises in my heart again sooner than later and that I can make peace with my neurodivergence.