...

TW mild self-harm, suicide ideation

I think the core of being neurodivergent is very very simple. If a typical brain can filter through the experience of living, it protects itself from overwhelm. Not always of course, but at least more often than not. But in my experience, life is not like that. Everything is intense. I perceive so much sometimes that I end up perceiving nothing at all, but instead am left breathless and exhausted. For example, an outing that can be pleasant for most ends up a bit terrifying as I navigate crowds and try to process unfamiliar terrain. Or a trip to the DMV makes me so anxious that I cannot hear the instructions, prompting me to ask the person to repeat themselves and annoying them in the process. The reality is that life is getting faster. That pace is what is killing me slowly. So much information, so many tasks, so many emotions. I live in technicolor intensity and it drives me bonkers and makes me wish to simply take a sabbatical in a sensory deprivation chamber for a month.

I know there are ways to mitigate this. Neurodivergent people have the most creative ways to stim to release that pent-up tension. But I don't know how to use them yet. I remember sometimes rocking as I cried, but I was told I looked crazy. Then a true meltdown happens and my soul wants to rip out of my body because of the agony of everything is more than I can carry. In those times I have hurt myself. I have hit myself and bruised myself because a sore body is preferable to a sore soul. I have bit my skin. I have been rendered mute. I have ideated suicide. These occurrences are extremely rare. Maybe once every two years. But I think they happen because I don't just fucking rock my body. I sometimes tap my head with a soft fist but am often too embarrassed to show it at home. Because the people around me, though well-meaning, have not been able to accept that this energy needs an outlet. I am trying to reclaim this. I think I need to rock again. I think I need to tap. And maybe there are other things I did, was dissuaded from continuing, and forgot (me not remembering a huge chunk of my past in another web to untangle later).

I do remember as a young lady reading to refocus my attention when sitting in public and to give myself a sense of calm. I was often interrupted for small talk. Thinking about it, the small talk didn't bother me. Being perceived with nothing to distract me did. It made me feel vulnerable and scared. I also would listen to loud music on my music player of choice. Nowadays I knit in public to relax. I didn't realize that these things were stims for a long time. They just made me feel better. It makes me realize that I need to stim. Working through the things that I did to stim subconsciously in the past is the path to take as I start learning to understand my brain, my body, and what I need to cope when it gets too much.