mourn [verb] to have or show great sorrow eg for a person who has died. Source
For the past 22 days, I've been in mourning for something that hasn't hapenned. I can't really speak to it because I feel it would be wrong to use this space for this type of story. I think I can say that there was a grave misunderstanding that could cost my family more than I dare think. It's just another thing in this bad year but it's made me spiral into a state of perpetual grief and fear. Every day I count it up from the day this thing hapenned. Every day I feel lighter because I survived, only to feel a heaviness when the fear settles back into me. Every time I talk about something positive, or laugh, or do a hobby that makes me excited I feel guilt.
When I was growing up in Ponce, when we lost a family member, we had to follow strict rules as we went through our grieving process. We could not laugh or joke. We could not listen to music. We would sacrifice indulging in things we loved. We got together to pray the rosary. When I moved to the United States, I never experienced death like I did on the island. Not the shitty hot chocolate one drank in the funeral home to forget for a minute. Not the ritz crackers we'd serve while people walked into the house during la novena. Not the strict adherence to pure black clothing. I remember the only exception was the occasional deep purple or navy, but it was rare. Now that I am terrified I started to lean into a lot of the practices. No frilly clothes, no talking to friends, deep isolation. Anyone that I haven't known for years gets my mask, because I don't want to show how shit everything is right now in my real life. I ran away from people. No music. Even the idea of listening to music right now, something I love so much is jarring to me. I only do my duties at home, work, knit, and exercise. I try to meditate, but I haven't been able to run away from my fear enough to focus. I seldom read. Every time I smile I frown again, ashamed. I feel like I'm in a bubble, holding my breath. Hoping for the best and fearing the worst. Part of me want to apologize instinctively for hurting and being frank about it. But I think I just need to be able to say the truth. That I am in a place in my life where I am running on fear and grief.
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. – C.S. Lewis (A Grief Observed)