This morning I overslept by 15 minutes. I wake up very early so unless I oversleep by 40 minutes or more I still have time to do what I need to do to get myself and my daughter ready for school. But in my half asleep state, I must have mildly panicked and ran up the stairs faster that was prudent. I should have realized I did something wrong when I started brushing my teeth and felt weak and flushed. I stopped, sat down, thought everything was ok and starting brushing again. But everything started spinning while I cleaned my face. I thought I could get myself ready for work, but ended up stumbling in the bedroom and collapsing, hitting a table with my arm and ankle and knocking down a lamp. I was so scared. I was so scared I wouldn't be able to stand and get my daughter ready for school. My husband is working. They like him at his work, but I didn't want to call him and make him leave his work, so I looked at closet hinge. The middle one wouldn't stay still so I switched to the bottom hinge and prayed to I don't know what until it became still. I found some coffee candy on the dresser and sat on the bed eating it until it went away. I am fine. I'm not sick or anything dire, but I wanted to do what I needed to do for my daughter. I think mornings that are inconsistent or chaotic make her have bad school days. So I make sure I have a very rigid morning schedule that also has long transitions for her to eat and self regulate before she leaves for school. I was lucky. I was able to get up and help her and we did our schedule:

Consistency and space to go from task to task is so important for ND folk. And it makes sense, because our brains are all a bit chaotic as it is. So I really was scared today to worry her or not be able to get her to school right. Sometimes, everything feels so fragile to me. Like I need to make sure every step of every day is executed perfectly to make sure everyone is ok. Because I think in my home I have the most developed executive functioning (still less than an allistic person but more than my spouse and mil). But it's done. I feel better. I'm drinking coffee and about to work and today worked out and it feels like something is telling me to just trust my own strentgh that no matter what, I will try my best to protect her days and take care of my family. I don't mean this in a virtue signaling way... I truly feel often I am weak. Weak because I can't get ahead in the ways that matter to society. And I often feel a rage and a rebellion that no, I am stronger, only to descend back into feeling like a loser that has no charisma. But in the end what does it matter? Society doesn't understand my kid, I do. I built a schedule because I understood her and I fight the best I can to make sure she gets what she needs at home.

In the end, I was lucky. But I would have had to settle today had I been more hurt or had not been able to get up. Kept her home or called my mil to do the morning with me as best we could. There is no glory or praiseworthiness in me pushing through today, I feel. In fact, it was wrong. But I did my best with what I could see I had, and I hope that in the end, that is enough.

Life doesn’t always go smoothly. Our efforts sometimes go unrewarded. Despite this, try to believe in yourself and do your best. Do not fear moving forward.
– Shunmyo Masuno (The Art of Simple Living)