I AM SOOOOOO ANXIOUS RIGHT NOW ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ So... I write, for now to see if it helps me calm down.
My routine stared getting upended on Saturday night. My daughter got sick with a bug and was up all night feeling restless and ill. The funny thing is that her need to keep her own routine stood fast and true through the coughs and sniffles. When I took her temperature I mistakenly changed the nightside lamp color from white to red and boy she was salty about it. She nagged me until I fixed it. I know she was sick then because she usually just fixes it herself. But yeah, I think that night I slept 4 hours max because I get fussy about making sure she's ok. I think that's probably a trauma response to her seizures and just me being protective of her but yeah no sleep. Then yesterday she asked for bath after bath. It's a thing she does when sick and I try to honor it most of the time since I feel it helps her little muscles and with soreness. When she napped I gamed... a lot (on day 48 of The Hundred Line -Last Defense Academy-). I should have slept. But I am a fool. I did get a cool Mother's Day gift, though! A wall clock that makes specific bird sounds every hour! I think it's one of my fave gifts.
But yeah, last night ended up being rough too. She fell asleep around 9 and woke up at 2:30AM. Which means I've been awake since 2:30AM. She has a sensory issue with congestion so she ends up being sick which makes recovery harder, you know? FML. Actually, good news is that I see she's recovering steadily! Bad news is that I was slated for 4 meetings todays, 3 which require camera on and 1 of which also had unfamiliar people. I am guzzling coffee as a type. Which might be good or bad or both? It might wake me up but damn anxiety is spiking so hard right now. I have 2 meetings left, 1 with cam on so I don't feel I should exercise yet because I don't want to... ruin my makeup. I know, I know. The worst part is that my autistic butt will say things that are quirky and I work for the most buttoned up corporate culture type company so many times I get THE LOOKâ„¢ ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
So yeah, in summary I feel sleepy, am spweing out bad jokes like an uncensored dad (omg like this, just put me out of my misery), worried about my kid, about office politics stuff, and I need sleep and exercise but need to wait. But I have this at least. Wrting at least grounds me when my eyes are burning and my heart is tight tight. When people ask me about what superpower I want, I usually say teleportation, but seriously debating a fast-forward power at this point. Maybe I would go to... Friday. Specifically Friday at 3:45PM, when optimism is high for the average office worker, and the weekend laid in front of one like an ocean of possibilities.
So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.
– Julio Alexi Genao