I confess today in my journey is not a good day but I guess that is to be expected. Life can be infuriatingly non-linear. On the bright side, my daughter is recovering! But, I'm sleep deprived at this point. Perhaps I have slept 12 hours total for the past three days. I feel so overstimulated and anxious that I feel nausea. It's noon and I forget to eat. My body is in ketosis and slightly weak but I can't muster the drive to eat or drink. I keep crying and feeling maudlin.
I keep wanting to sleep, but when I close my eyes, every stupid thing I've said or done for the past week make my eyes shoot open. I close them again, and the out of town doctor's appointment makes my heart race. The appointment for the other thing that seems to not want to end on Thursday. I try again. Every damn trauma that I have had decides to make an appearance. From ground zero. All the rejection. All the shame of not being enough for someone. The times I realized I was manipulated. The times I could have done better. The times I realized a thing too late. Eyes open again. Darting. Burning. Not able to relax. I give up and play a game, berating myself for not resting. Terrified of not playing and restarting the loop.
How do I solve today? I'm not sure. Ideally I will stand, eat. Exercise at least 10 minutes. Guzzle tea for anxiety and reach out to my friends to check in. Play motherfucking Solitaire 😎 Sleep? It has to happen at some point, darn it. They say sleep heals and lack of sleep makes anxiety worse. Memories are not processed, the amygdala goes nuts. So logically I can attribute this bad day to an overflow not handled by sleep excarbated by more than usual stress. I guess I just need to survive today like I did yesterday.
Era una flor solitaria, mariposa gozosa te posaste ahÃ; después el polen de otra flor mas fragante llamó, y la mariposa voló.
– Frida Kahlo