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I've been thinking a lot lately about logic. Because a lot of my confusion navigating the world stems from it feeling "illogical". I've written before about input vs output. How it's hard to understand how much to do or to give and how seldom how much one does give or do ties in to actual outcomes.

A lot of my pain comes from my logic. My need to be accurate and my justice-driven mindset. If I see something needs to be done, I do it. If someone is tired or has a limit, I shoulder it. So I have all these tiny rules based on my efforts that I realize are wholly dysfunctional. I've been navigating this pain because of the whims of the universe do not align with my view of logical outcomes. A concept that was shaped by goodness knows what. My upbringing, societal norms, trauma?

My adherence to my mental models has a side effect of stripping me of a defense mechanism. I used to look at people in awe when they would twist a story that I witnessed myself to be rosier, more nostalgic. I always believed that to heal, it's important to be ruthlessly honest. But I think I was wrong to think that way.

Does denial have a place? It is a stage of grief. Does my fixation to be "ruthlessly honest" according to my own biases and mental models make me bypass an important part of the process? By rushing to logic, am I being a dick to my own self? To others?

I've mentioned this before, but this year has been particularly bad. Some days I wake up and do all I need to do, but it's so heavy that even the smallest of tasks makes me feel like I am walking in air as thick as gelatin. I noticed I will slightly start shaking my head in the middle of a conversation because I want it to be over. I don't want to see anyone or want to be perceived. I know that I'm keeping a shutdown at bay by leaning into the burnout. I want to be responsible and keep my family secure. But I am always hyperaware that I am in survival mode and that I am wiring myself to default to expecting worse possible scenario 100% of the time. I think I need to be in denial more to protect myself as I process 2025. I need to stop pushing through it and spin a few daydreams, build a few castles in the sky, and wander in fantasy worlds. To explore something beyond the apocalypse that is my psyche.

Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross