As I write this, I am in the process of finishing knitting my first sweater. I’ve been knitting for 20 years, but never took the plunge for many reasons. One, I like repetitive stuff. So when I got into washcloths, I merrily made them for years on end. And socks? Forget it. I’ve had a sock fever for at least 7 years now, and it shows no signs of abating. I’ve also made a few beanies, plushies, shawls, baby blankets, and even a teeny tiny top hat once. But clothes? For me? No. I always balked at making myself clothes.
Reason the second is as simple as not loving my body. I am quite short, and on the plump side of things. I also have PCOS. Being comfortable in my own skin is a journey I'm navigate on to this day. I remember liking a Quince & Co. pattern in 2014, and promising myself to only make myself the sweater, which was photographed on a petite model if I became slim enough. I am not sure to this day what I meant with that vague requirement. So I dismissed the idea and continued to buy the same types of clothing whatever random size I thought I was at the time (I was averse to even measuring or weighing myself to identify what truly fits me.)
Even in high school, when I took 3 years of high fashion sewing and drafting, I only made 2 things for myself. A canvas tote bag and my uniform skirt. My final project in 12th grade was a custom designed and drafted evening gown with hand beading. It was a prom dress for my best friend. She is beautiful. I am not. Thus, I made her a pretty dress so she could go to prom with it. Not loving my body, not loving myself was the genesis of a lot of problems. I am 43 now. Only now have I started to untangle my relationship to my physical self, my self worth (and the ways I minimize myself to others) and how it falls in beauty standards.
Anyway, this year I said, fuck it. I don’t know why I said that. I am slimmer than 10 years ago, but not slim, so I don’t fit my past vague concept of slim enough. I might have seen a pattern in a newsletter and gotten a few skeins of a rustic aran weight wool and set it aside. Then I saw another pattern and felt a stirring to make it. Maybe I was tired of making excuses. One of my dreams has been to make my own slow wardrobe by sewing, knitting and crocheting. I logged onto Ravelry for the first time in a long time and started looking.
It was a bit emotional when I saw that since I last dreamt of making a sweater, something called #sizeinclusive gained steam. I found gorgeous photo after photo of people of all identities, shapes, and sizes. They were beautiful, sexy, and empowered to create for themselves despite societal pressures of fitting a certain mold. I zeroed in on Jessie Maed Designs. I like oversized pullovers with a bit of a “boyfriend sweater” vibe and she had the cutest ones! Pretty quickly, I decided to buy the Very V Neck Raglan pattern. I had gotten some Upcycle Alpaca Blend on Knit Picks on sale and decided to go the Elizabeth Zimmerman route and make a “swatch hat” to test my gauge. That was a little over 2 weeks ago, and I am almost done with with the sweater! I made it a little longer but already plan to make a version with DK yarn and cropped like the original design to pair with my dresses. I also planned to cast on her Big Rib Sweater next because I really want a fluffy and airy little thing of a pullover. I also want to make a Ranunculus Sweater haha.
Ever since I started this pullover, I feel so much joy. Imma start sounding cheesy now but I really feel I matter now. I felt worth a beautiful sweater. I felt validated within myself and stopped seeking validation outside of me. I people please less lately and I even started doing concrete research for my future. The cozy cottage dream I have and frame as a joke isn’t a joke to me. I do want in the next 10-15 years to buy a very small house and live in a small town, alone. I started looking at towns, researching gardening tips, and saving money. All because of a silly sweater. My journey to continue untangling my trauma and finding self-worth is unorthodox, but I never cared for playing by the rules.
I found god in myself and I loved her, I loved her fiercely.
– Ntozake Shange