My daughter has ARFID. I can count with my two hands the amount of safe foods are in her repertoire, and have fingers to spare. I confess that I have a lot of layers of emotions involving this, especially with food being the subject of the matter.
I accept that she has a pace that she needs to explore the sensory world. I worry because she is a growing child with nutritional and sometimes medical needs. I am sad because my love language is to share the things I bake and cook. But ultimately, I take each day one at a time. She is healthy. Her yearly checkups show that she is growing as expected. She's more diligent at drinking water that I even was as an adult. She is energetic, happy.
Anyone on a mental health journey often will refer to triggers as they process trauma. We lean into triggers and hope that in time we can be whole, and that the triggers won't affect us. Triggers can be simple though. My daughter will be triggered for example, if she decides to take something that is part of a "collection" to an outing. Just this morning, she took her bag of tiny plush cats to the car to school and realized Ginger was missing. I struggled to find Ginger, but did so.
On principle, I didn't feel I should indulge it. But she was on her way to school, and to disrupt this mini-routine of having the cats together would cause distress to the point where she would have a harder morning. For me, her having a solid school is deeply mission critical. So I searched for Ginger, and handed it over and explained that tomorrow a new rule will start of no cats, unless she finished her routine and was able to have them ready before it's time to leave. Trigger avoided. And more importantly, I validated how she felt by honoring it today. Her anxiety was quite real, and I didn't want to be dismissive.
But sometimes, I notice the inverse of a trigger in my daughter. I call those sparks. Triggers are negative, but sparks are wholesome. I don't think sparks are exclusive to neurodivergent people. Any given tome on behavioral economics, self-help, or habit formation will go into depth about things that can spark something positive. Habit stacking (to tack on a new wanted habit on an existing routine) and the fresh start effect (our need to use milestone dates to start a new lifestyle, like New Years for example) come to mind.
The point of mentioning her ARFID is that her eating is tied to sparks. She only eats Cheez-Its at school. She only eats toast at home. She started eating Lance Toastchee crackers recently, which was a huge win for us because it was reintroducing PB. She only eats them if her dad is in the kitchen, and is using a specific plate to hold them as he snacks on them. She only eats potatoes if her grandma visits for dinner.
I think for many people this seems so small. But for my family, every food she eats, every new safe food she expands to is a huge triumph. And every life change terrifying. We fear that with change she will lose a safe food. One time I freaked out because the water tasted funny to her. I had nightmare visions of her refusing any and all water and dehydrating. Luckily she was fine after I made her a new cup. We tried everything. We tried coaxing, bribing, therapy. Nothing works.
But when we lean on a spark? That's where the magic happens. Slowly yes. Painfully so. But small wins, strung together one at a time to build her world safely.
Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together.
– Attributed to Vincent Van Gogh