I have nothing to say lately, but I suddenly missed writing. It's funny how much I have depended on this space as an outlet. Even if to capture little snippets of my life or to say absolutely nothing of import.
Last week we went to the neurologist, and as I hoped, they released my daughter from their care. A chapter has been closed and I feel a sense of lightness. I think I wrote a lot before about it so I won't retread that ground, especially now that it's over.
Other than that, life has been fairly uneventful. I don't know how to carry that stillness yet. One of the things that annoys me about myself is that I get so restless, but if I try to relieve that restlessness, I get overwhelmed and isolate to recover. I think I am learning to just pare back. I've been working hard to simplify and make peace with my limits.
Oh... There was a tornado just north of here this morning. I heard the alert at 4:20 AM and went to my daughter. She looked so peaceful that I hoped then that it would not hit us. It went a bit north of here and it seems it did dissipate quickly. It made me think of how we compare emotional turmoil to storms. If rough terrain breaks a storm apart, I wonder how I can disperse my own swirling anxieties into the wind.
The day stayed a bit gloomy after too, probably making me more prone to these types of ruminations. It felt like weather that should theoretically be nice but wasn't in reality. It was cool, yet damp. So I felt vaguely uncomfortable all day. I think I understand now why Anne Shirley bemoans green Christmases. It's not Christmas, but same vibes :p
I took the week off to prepare for Thanksgiving. It's refreshing to not juggle the tasks with my job and the days fly by. I still feel very tired not fully back to being myself, but I'm just taking this slowly. Yesterday I made dinner rolls and a pain de mie and the house smelled yeasty and wonderful. Today I started a batch of cinnamon rolls for my partner to take to his job. I made the dough, rolled it, and cut the rolls. I am trying to experiment with par baking them and finishing the next morning. Usually they take about 4+ hours total from starting the tangzhong to icing the rolls, so I tend to start them early. If this works I think I can make them more often! Other than than, I made cornbread for the dressing, and made some ice cream base for the dessert (I froze the apple hand pies a few weeks ago). Tomorrow I will focus on some cleaning and make the gravy base and a batch of Chex Mix.
These are the times I feel I am building on to the life I dream of. Baking, little breaks on the couch to read or game. Playing vintage music. Being ok if I fall asleep in the warm living room. Puttering in my kitchen. Did you know this is my favorite kitchen I've ever lived in? It's a square, with a bookshelf full of cookbooks, a dining table, and counters full of tea jars and tier baskets of onions and oils. There is, above the sink, a charming lit alcove with a wooden board in front of the light fixture. This light board is cut in a curved, old-timey way. It's like little curves. I'm not good at describing carpentry. It's not a fancy kitchen by any means. But I do adore it a lot! I think if I could wish for one more thing in my life is to travel one day. I would like to walk away from these walls and live in other ways before coming to a warm home that welcomes me back the the old routine.
Merry Christmas, Marilla! Merry Christmas, Matthew! Isn't it a lovely Christmas? I'm so glad it's white. Any other kind of Christmas doesn't seem real, does it? I don't like green Christmases. They're not green—they're just nasty faded browns and grays. What makes people call them green?
– L.M. Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables)