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I started reading a book called Thinking in Bets, by Annie Duke for the purpose of my career. The product I design for is the type of data heavy software that has to both be very detailed, while allowing the people using it to cut through a lot of crud and make very quick decisions. So after doing research, I chose that book because it can reinforce and expand my knowledge on high-level corporate decision making.

I... am not enjoying it so far. I have changed a lot in the past 3 years and though I used to enjoy popular non-fiction with a TED talk flair, I just feel an emptiness engaging with it. I cringed a little bit with the sports examples because corporate small talk here in the US only counts when discussing sports. Then I noticed that the first chapter is an amalgamation of breakthroughs by other psychologists.

I feel conflicted because one can respect a book and the work to create it and still feel it is more noise. As in, it's just another work pandering to the already dominant demographics so they can continue to do what they do. It begs the question, why the heck I continued to work for such a corporate type setting. All I can say is that I chose what I felt was the safest route to be able to provide for my family and burnout has prevented me from worrying about anything beyond the very day I am in. I did adore TED Talks, and non-fiction of this vein a decade ago. Malcolm Gladwell was my entry to pop psychology and I have read many tomes through the years.

But like I mentioned... I changed so much. Now there is nothing I crave with more fire than just simple, no frills authenticity. Long talks about ideologies, individual vs collectives, systems, the state of the world. What comes next and what kind of future my daughter will have. That's why I give no shits here. I police myself so carefully in personal and professional settings. My script is, I am fine thank you, I read something fun this weekend, haha it was cute because I am silly and have no thoughts, opinions, or desires. I think because this is my only outlet for authenticity, I processed my unmet needs into a kind of simmering rage that alternately fuels and annoys me.

I will finish the book. As long as I choose this work in this setting. As long as I choose the same kind of friends to surround me, I need to continue to understand that world, even if it's not quite the one I feel at home in.