2026 seems to be winding down more quickly than I realized. It is now October, and I know with that there will come a flurry of fall and holiday activities. September ran away from me, and I haven't really taken the time to nurture my site and keep up with the happenings. On the very first day of that month, a colleague reached out with the warning that my company will have another reduction in December. I will be honest. This was a mere two weeks after the last cut. I don't like talking about my company and I don't like to talk about work on here I feel that one's experience with a company can differ from person to person. And when the culture truly is harmful, to express this is proven time and time again to emulate the dynamics of a bad interpersonal relationship. I think that it is better to plan one's exit instead of allowing the other party to gaslight. I am seeing them gaslight others who raise concerns, so my assumption isn't unfounded.
After my colleague reached out, I started finalizing on my portfolio. It's not enough for a designer to say one can design, or show a CV. One must have a full website with work samples. Which is in itself a full time endeavor. I spent the past few weeks building 3 case studies and applying. It's a bad market, to be honest. I don't even know if my role will exist in the next few years. Not because it's not a valuable role, but because it is easy for colleagues to assume they can do it themselves. This hit home even more a few weeks ago when I saw the agent that was created by my org with the role of "primary designer". Nary a designer was consulted, and we were not programmed into the agent to oversee any of its output. They gave it a human name too. I think that part hurt me the most. Because I am deeply hypervigilant, this caused major alarm. One can heal from emotional wounds and do the work. But progress is uneven at best. As in, I can regulate better for some things, but others make me terrified still. And losing my ability to provide for my family is a fear that I never have been able to let go.
I did finish my portfolio and started sending applications. So come December, come what may, I had a 3 month head start. I am trying to extricate myself a bit from the hyperfixation of applying because I know it's not a very sustainable at the pace I gave myself a few weeks ago. It's been a bit harder to get up in the morning. Like not emotionally, but physically. Which makes sense, I used a lot of spoons! I did make my portfolio here. I don't want to be like other designers with a pre-made template. It made me proud that I could choose a space that is authentic to me. The market is bad, but I do hope that the right team will feel my work and work philosophies resonate with them. We'll see.
Big data is only a very primitive form of knowledge, namely correlation: if A happens, then B happens. There is no understanding. Artificial intelligence does not think. Artificial intelligence doesn't get goosebumps."
– Byung-Chul Han (Non-Things)