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Yesterday, I took my daughter to the doctor's. She went to school, but the teacher said she was sluggish and napping most of the day. So we took her to be seen. It's the first time I've gone beyond the mailbox since the neurologist appointment. And that appointment was the first time in months. Time slipped by and I didn't notice, but as I looked out the window and saw the familiar buildings and businesses I realized that I'd been a hermit. I know this isn't good for me. I'm deeply aware of how I'm losing skills by not practicing and by isolating myself. And I used to often do small outings when I was younger. Small art events, bookstores, walks to the beach, or the Japanese supermarket down the road from me. Nothing splashy, but still I was not in the same four walls day in and day out.

Part of this I can attribute to the pandemic. Before the pandemic, I worked in an office. I had to at the minimum, leave the house each workday. This momentum would help me by making me go out. Walking outside, shopping, going to parks or nature trails. I remember loving the search for a new and interesting ingredient to try cooking or baking with. Or going to the festival or to a nursery to buy a plant. But the pandemic came and I started leaning on using services to get my groceries. That turned from a convenience to a permanent way of doing things. Add that to the extra responsibilities of parenting, all the extra appointments and paperwork, and tasks, and I just ended up leaning toward outsourcing any task that involved going out.

I know this is wrong. I know there is a wild world out there. Beautiful, and interesting, and ripe for exploring. But it seems that in my tunnel vision of surviving, I forget to go out. It's like all other forms of self-care. When your kid has been sick for a week, deadlines are looming, the house needs to be cleaned, laundry folded and dinner needs to be cooked it just feels like there is more to do than the hours given to us to accomplish them. Add that to all the tiny traumas of interacting with people and then the idea of not often going out makes sense. It's like all I want in the world is to take a 3-week nap, so screw going out. I should make a goal of fixing this though. I take it too far. I lean into the fear and anxiety too much.