It's been a while since I compiled the thoughts here. My mind has probably been a lot emptier. My life is quieter. Not quiet, as such. Just this week I got a text from my daughter's beleaguered special needs teacher. My daughter, upon being encouraged to participate in morning circle proceeded to rebel by... screaming GOOD MORNING in her classmate's face. I think my face is still stuck in the grimace I made upon reading it, and especially as my mind raced trying to formulate a response. Like... I was not sure what I was to say, except apologize, which they say I am not supposed to do, but still. I don't think I could rest easily if no one apologized for whatever discomfort the other kid endured.
This is a short week for me, being Good Friday at the end of the week. It'll be nice to relax and do something fun. It's also been raining on and off since last night. I adore rainy days and feel calm and relaxed. Perhaps a bit too much so. I keep feeling the urge to close my eyes and sleep.
I started using an app named Slowly. I don't use it often. It's been more of an exercise of practicing being mindful of enforcing my own boundaries. I used to be so scared that if I didn't respond to communications quickly, and if I ignored things that made me uncomfortable, that I could be worth more to others. But I am now... not so much realize, because I intellectualized it before. More like my reflex of people pleasing has somewhat faded. Because it was a reflex, often with me conceding to something I didn't want before I realized that I had. Like a muscle memory more than conscious thought. I have stopped feeling hurt when a connection fizzles out. I think that's enough to want in life. That if I am blessed to find some kindred spirits and can be wholly myself, I will treasure that gift. But that that gift is secondary to living my life more quietly. Which is why, again, the words have been lacking lately.
I was listening to a video about Paradise Killer (after 2 playthroughs, I STILL can't forget that game), and I learned that the theme of utopia within that game was inspired by a study in the late 60s and 70s called Universe 25. The point of the study was to take a few mice (8 to start), and give them a utopia to live and reproduce. Universe 25's resources were unlimited, and the mice never suffered from disease, or were wanting for food or clean space to raise families. It started quite well, but... and this is where it gets bleak, but long before Universe 25 was filled to capacity, the mouse social norms collapse, making Universe 25 and anarchy and hellscape, instead of a world of endless bounty. I know people are more sophisticated, but I did wonder if we also have a sort of spatial limit in the digital and/or physical realm.
Another thing I learned about was a genre called Library Music. It had its heyday in the 60s and 70s and was a resource for filmmakers on a budget to find high quality music to add to their work. A lof of the Library Music creators actually made a lot of work that was highly experimental and sampled to this day! I always find niche music to be so fascinating. When I heard of Library Music, I found a few videos of the songs (namely form KPM, which was a studio that made a lot of Library Music) and they were RELLY GOOD!
Current Obsessions: Rainy days, birdsong, books about birds. Glittery, pink, dreamscape aesthetics.
What is a body that casts no shadow? Nothing, a formlessness, two-dimensional, a comic strip character. If I deny my own profound relationship with evil I deny my own reality. I cannot do, or make; I can only undo, unmake. – Ursula K. Le Guin (The Language of the Night)
